Nick’s been around again – from the FD Ball to various Facebook postings. On Friday, Kelsey had to wear an “empathy belly” for her Adult Roles class in high school. She chose to wear one of Nick’s favorite shirts for her day of fake pregnancy. She went on to post the best Public Safety Message on Twitter with a picture of her tummy standing next to her prom date: “We all know prom is tomorrow – stay safe kids!” Nothing like having your big brother supporting good choices.

But April leaves me feeling uneasy, unsettled, out-of-sorts and a bit snarky. I thought it was the fault of the 10-day detox our family went on – no gluten, no sugar, no dairy. We completed day 10 last week (I planned it to end before Easter, naturally). It may have something to do with Nick’s initial diagnosis was in April; his first relapse, his last Easter – all so sad. Though the season of resurrection abounds, April brings back the profound heartache in not being able to protect him.

When he was a sophomore, he got in trouble for doing something dumb (can’t remember what it was) but the consequence was that he had to plant about 100 pink tulips in the backyard. Every spring, he’d comment about the monumental effort he had put forth that weekend. Last fall, our backyard need a bit of sprucing so I dug up all the tulips in the entire backyard and replanted them in the front yard. A couple of weeks ago as I was noticing the newly placed blooms, I had a moment of regret knowing I was going to miss the pink tulips in the backyard, miss his story, miss him.

This morning, I was in full spring cleaning mode at lightening fast speed. Doors and windows were opened, bringing in the fresh air and my housecleaning music just slightly below maximum volume. Nick’s room downstairs gets more scarce each year with only a few of his things around. However, when I walked into his room, there sat the Easter Bunny I gave him in 2011. It caught me off guard and though I paced around in a circle with my hands on top of my head, I couldn’t stop the tears. After taking a few deep breaths, I continued to open the blinds (facing the south side of our house where there is no grass, just dirt and bricks) and this is what I saw:

Too much. I caved in and curled up on his bed, bunny tucked in close to my heart. As I was waiting for the wave of emotion to roll past, I heard the music filter down. The song was “Brave” by Sara Bareilles and here are the lyrics I heard, “…I want to see you be brave.” I am of the sappy sort that puts an enormous amount of emphasis on music and lyrics, coupled with the timing of our internal antenna bringing messages we might want to pay attention to. I paid attention. I took some more deep breaths, sat up and headed back upstairs. That’s when the next song started by Christina Perri, “I have died everyday waiting for you, Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you, For a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more…” Oh boy, I need a donut.

One of our dear friends sent us a tree when Nick died and we planted it in our backyard. It has just started to bloom, as it does every year – here is the picture taken from our porch (it is also the view from Nick’s other window). This tree represents new life and brings our family a tremendous amount of joy.

I decided to place his Easter Bunny back on his bed.   I took a picture, trying to savor the flood of memories of the morning. That’s when I noticed Buzz Lightyear in the background; to me, it’s Nick saying “Hi, Mom!”

Later, Lee and I brought Nick a bouquet of tulips; “Hi, Nick!”